Welcome Strangers and Others...
I've decided to make this a friends only journal, as I dont really like the public at large. With that said, I'm sure we would get along fine if you've gotten this far, so leave a comment and I will gladly add you to the ever vigilant friends list in my head
. If also you should want to hear the golden goodness behind the filter, get ahold of me in one of the many ways that Live Journal allows, and let me know. :)
a disheartening thing to have to do, this dive for privacy, as I liked the public anonymity that Live Journal offered. It didn't last, but hey, such is life in the modern age of circuitry.
Hope to know you soon...
Wed, Nov. 6th, 2002, 03:29 pm
This is not a confession. This is a dream.
Society has become a truly strange phenomenon for me. The changes in my life over the past while have made me a new person to the point I dont recognise myself sometimes. I think I was told this would happen by someone before. I was watching a baseball game with friends today, and as an inherent jock hater, I've just never understood the actual excitement that goes into the thing. The fellas around me would yell simultaneously, and I would be at a loss. But I've been trying to better myself in all things, and have been learning the game, just trying to understand its national draw, and today I finally did, without even trying. It was bizarre to find myself shouting along, out of a gut instinct to actually see the game played well, as opposed to a feigned interest to be polite. Work on the self pays off sometimes.
I handle people differently now, and do not get the same reactions to my actions that I would previously had expected. I feel strengths I never knew existed, desires and wants and needs that had previously gone unnoticed, and unfulfilled. It is a second puberty of my mind and spirit. Where once I was ruined in so many ways, today I shine in those same places.
I think I am rambling about this because I feel good changes in the wind... changes, brought on by my other news, which is that Im finally flat broke, and I just found out this evening. In some ways ive been anxiously awaiting this day, because it means a new life is beginning.
So it looks like the party is over, kids.
Which, all in all is probably the best thing running, considering that I feel the way I do right now. Due to other coinciding factors in my life, this comes at either the best or the worst time it could do so.
Im still deciding which.
(Ok. Imagine perforations on the page, right here, and then mentally tear the next segment off and read it later. Or clean up a spill with it.)
I wish I could convert myself into binary code, and upload myself into the machine. I have over the years developed an intense relationship with the internet. Others have described before, but I have never understood as I do now. At first it was a novelty to me, then soon after became an obsession, and in times since has occasionaly dwindled off to being a useless object altogether. Now, all of these years later, through many interactions and changes in me, it has become a vital tool, and something I couldnt imagine living without.
I just feel comfortable here, sometimes (to my dismay) more comfortable than out there.
But even those lines are blurring, 'in here', 'out there' those definitions become dangerously thin. This is no longer some distant geek fantasy, a dark part of some ficticious cyber punk world. It is an immediate reflection of ourselves, a deep pool of this absorbant mercury-like substance that takes in nearly every aspect of ourselves. More than that, it doesnt just play this live feed back to us, it begins to involve us in its inner workings, forcing participation in an almost completely objective phenomenon. Life finds its way through the wires, and comes out the other end smoking.
How does one become worthy of life moved so quickly, or even become worthy of life moving them? I feel lucky to be alive, sometimes.
To start with, is this post: I was actually approached on-line by a submissive man who wanted Me to castrate him. Now I wasn't advertising to do this he just saw Me and wanted Me to do it. he said that once I cut them off he would be Mine. I would have complete control. That that is how it works.
I told him I would never do that. YUCK times two!!! He told Me of these machines where you just push a button and swoosh they are gone. OMG. he told Me of a lady who does it and was booked up to a year. he said there was good money in it because once you chopped off the dude's balls his income became yours. This lady was only 22 and had 3 houses in 3 different countries.
Whatever. No matter how good the money I would never do that to anyone, enemies included.
I just HAD to go and do fucking research
. And then even more research
. Im not going to sleep, ever again. Curse you, knowledge.
Thu, Sep. 26th, 2002, 02:29 am
The Fetish Map
I am going to take this to kinko's, have it blown up and laminated, then I am going to put it on my wall.The Fetish Map
My reccomendation for using this map: find your kink, or the kink you are most intrigued by, and follow it back using the key on the left. It actually makes tons of sense, and might lead you to some sick and deviant new things!
Wed, Aug. 21st, 2002, 02:44 pm
My First Entry
I've got nothing going on, and I dont have much to say about that nothing, other than I will be getting all the Ben Stiller Shows soon, and that is exciting. I read an account given by a supposed alien abductee, who was taken underground by 'Reptiod's' as she called them (Im sure you get the picture, instantly) and was shown the Queen of England transforming into a gigantic red lizard. Apparently they walk disguised amongst us, and use the Grey's as clone robots sent out to do their bidding.
In Other News: I've gotten a book entitled 'Mind Machines YOU can Build'. Im going to build the wishing machine and give myself the power of flight. The author claims to have cured his daughter of warts by using it. In another book of recent importance in my life, The Secret Life of Plants, they claim to use this same 'wishing machine' (which is really just a sonic amplifier) to irradiate a tree of all its pests, by focusing the machine on a PICTURE of the tree.
Believe what you want, ele-font.
Im gonna wish for a million, no a billion dollars, in small unmarked bills, inside sacks with dollar signs on them to appear on my doorstep. Lets see what happens.